This is literally gonna be a page where I just rant off about what I'm feeling.
Day 1
It's so sickening. Some people in my life I would consider second family don't even know im depressed. I hide it, I don't want them to know... Yet at the same time I want someone to care enough to pay attention when we're out. Someone who can see how little I eat, how little I sleep, how little I smile. Anything. I've heard cutting could help release some of the pain, but everytime. Everytime. Literally everytime. I get a razor out. I freeze. I look at it and look at my skin and just think. "This is the start of a different life... Do I want it or not?" Everytime i restrain myself and convince myself I don't. Recently it's been taking longer and longer to convince myself not to... I just... I just can't anymore. It's so tempting. The shine of the blade, the glisten of blood, the sweet pleasure that removes the pain... Even if it's just for 5 seconds... Its the relief I've been looking for.
It's so sickening. Some people in my life I would consider second family don't even know im depressed. I hide it, I don't want them to know... Yet at the same time I want someone to care enough to pay attention when we're out. Someone who can see how little I eat, how little I sleep, how little I smile. Anything. I've heard cutting could help release some of the pain, but everytime. Everytime. Literally everytime. I get a razor out. I freeze. I look at it and look at my skin and just think. "This is the start of a different life... Do I want it or not?" Everytime i restrain myself and convince myself I don't. Recently it's been taking longer and longer to convince myself not to... I just... I just can't anymore. It's so tempting. The shine of the blade, the glisten of blood, the sweet pleasure that removes the pain... Even if it's just for 5 seconds... Its the relief I've been looking for.
Day 2
You know that feeling when everyone around you is just so frustratingly stupid and soemtimes you even hate your best friends? And then you just feel like you WANNA kill yourself to get away from it all or kill everyone around you? Well I think killing myself is easier.
Day 3
So I've been at a competition for a couple days, and I have a broken leg right now so it was really just no fun because I couldn't do any of the activities.
I would've been completely fine but the second we go there we have an opening ceremony. I met one of my old friends who was a year older than me, he was friends with my crush so I asked about him, right?
Well I asked a few questions, I guess Jason, my friend, got the hing that I liked his friend and completely dropped the bomb.
"You know he's dating someone right?" No, no I didn't.
"Yeah of course I knew just hoping you know..." I stopped talking after thta plastering a fake smile.
Isn't it sad that your 'best friends' can't tell the difference between a fake smile and a real smile? Yea I thought so.
Day 4
Im really starting to get tired.
There are moements when I feel so happy, like maybe everything is just in my head. Then it passes. That small glimpse of happiness passes, and it begins again. Society comes back in. Eyes are just cameras waiting for a mistake. And sadly, humans are only beings made to criticize others.
Suicide comes to my mind more often than not, and im not even that old yet.
People think I'm perfectly fine and one of my friends even pretend to be depressed for sympathy from the guy she's dating.
I look at them and I think what a pathetic couple. I tell my friends what im feeling and they all pretend to know what I'm talking about, but they don't.
None of them do.
Maybe I'm expecting too much, but in every story someone saves the depressed one and they live happily ever after.
Why can't that be me?
And then I remember happy endings are endings that haven't ended yet.
Day 5
I got in trouble at school for using inappropriate language. No I'm not that mad about that.
I just really hate the fact they pretend to care. Well if they really cared enough to actually stretch and take the time to go through my history and see all my personal information instead of doing half assed shit, maybe they would've found this website.
Maybe they would help.
Talk about it.
I really don't know but something that actually matters, that I'm actually confused about.
No, they don't care.
No one does.
You know that feeling when everyone around you is just so frustratingly stupid and soemtimes you even hate your best friends? And then you just feel like you WANNA kill yourself to get away from it all or kill everyone around you? Well I think killing myself is easier.
Day 3
So I've been at a competition for a couple days, and I have a broken leg right now so it was really just no fun because I couldn't do any of the activities.
I would've been completely fine but the second we go there we have an opening ceremony. I met one of my old friends who was a year older than me, he was friends with my crush so I asked about him, right?
Well I asked a few questions, I guess Jason, my friend, got the hing that I liked his friend and completely dropped the bomb.
"You know he's dating someone right?" No, no I didn't.
"Yeah of course I knew just hoping you know..." I stopped talking after thta plastering a fake smile.
Isn't it sad that your 'best friends' can't tell the difference between a fake smile and a real smile? Yea I thought so.
Day 4
Im really starting to get tired.
There are moements when I feel so happy, like maybe everything is just in my head. Then it passes. That small glimpse of happiness passes, and it begins again. Society comes back in. Eyes are just cameras waiting for a mistake. And sadly, humans are only beings made to criticize others.
Suicide comes to my mind more often than not, and im not even that old yet.
People think I'm perfectly fine and one of my friends even pretend to be depressed for sympathy from the guy she's dating.
I look at them and I think what a pathetic couple. I tell my friends what im feeling and they all pretend to know what I'm talking about, but they don't.
None of them do.
Maybe I'm expecting too much, but in every story someone saves the depressed one and they live happily ever after.
Why can't that be me?
And then I remember happy endings are endings that haven't ended yet.
Day 5
I got in trouble at school for using inappropriate language. No I'm not that mad about that.
I just really hate the fact they pretend to care. Well if they really cared enough to actually stretch and take the time to go through my history and see all my personal information instead of doing half assed shit, maybe they would've found this website.
Maybe they would help.
Talk about it.
I really don't know but something that actually matters, that I'm actually confused about.
No, they don't care.
No one does.